Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

They also CAN sing✌️

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

Always leave them wanting their money back.

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.