Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
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In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Not😆🤣
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.