Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

My mom texting me from an anime convention

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

Fiction has to make sense.

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now