Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…