*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
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I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Oh. My. God.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.