Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

ㅤ

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all

The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

Talk about a bad egg

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.