Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.