Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.