Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

😂

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past