Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
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soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)