Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
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I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins