Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
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She was rare, like a goth jogging
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo