Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
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My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”