Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
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Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
When you let grandma cat sit
