Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
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Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.