Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

me watching my own Instagram story

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.