Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
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I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
When your man makes a valid point
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel