Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

That’s fair

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé