Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
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Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
How to make infinite energy.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.