Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
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I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Simple
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.