Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
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My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
can’t catch a break
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe