Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
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A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Truth
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia