“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
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Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
This is the coolest video you will see today.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Its true…
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Favourite diary entry ever
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”