“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
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I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
President The Rock Obama
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.