Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

🙅🏻

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.