Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

‎”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.