Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

You are not alone 💚

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

Denise please return my vape pen