ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
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What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Introverted vegans go meetless
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
