Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up