Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery

My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.

#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

We like the way Dwight thinks

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’