Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.