[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
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ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
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.
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.
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The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.