Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
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Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie