Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Breaking news:
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.