Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

Happy Halloween 🎃

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

Not today.. 😂

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

is this meant to deter me

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!