Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer