Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

This is me

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.