[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
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Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Bill is short for Billiam
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’