When a pterodactyl urinates, no one hears it. (silent P)
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
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I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don’t have to go to family functions any more.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Don’t judge if you don’t know me. Unless you’re making my pizza & you say “This guy looks like he wants extra cheese” then please do.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine*
There you go little guy. Now you’re bouncy.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?