@Fred_Delicious

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

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@dubouchet

When a pterodactyl urinates, no one hears it. (silent P)

@MasterSociopath

I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don’t have to go to family functions any more.

@ObscureGent

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

@Bob_Janke

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

@KKAlThani

Don’t judge if you don’t know me. Unless you’re making my pizza & you say “This guy looks like he wants extra cheese” then please do.

@krisv_723

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

@stephenjmolloy

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?

@Mikecanrant

*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine*

There you go little guy. Now you’re bouncy.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?