Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

Love it! 👍😂

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.