[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
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7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
#ParentingFacts
