[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
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Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Noah
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear