Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes