Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

Gemma Correll

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate