Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

Every damn time

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.