*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
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The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
A Monday every week is excessive