*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”