Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

This is a bad sign

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.