Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

Grandpa

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT