“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
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just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Stick it to the man
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
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me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?