“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
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“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
oh my gosh!!
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.