Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)