Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

kids play hide and seek like

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event