Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.