*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
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SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
the best thing i’ve ever made
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Ummm
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.