*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
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Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
LOOOOOOL
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
