*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
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Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Friendship with me is challenging because I am hiding somewhere in your house and you have 15 minutes to find me
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.