*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
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Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead