Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I know a black person’

– White people

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

my astrological sign is a french fry

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!