Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

💀🤣

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

yes, those are my real potatoes.

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals