rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
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If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Lucky old June.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
For the orator and chef in all of us
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”