rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
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How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
😂💯
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer