rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
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5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
[montage of me giving-up]
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk