Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
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[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????