roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
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i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
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*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]