roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
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You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*