roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Left at a local drug store…
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen