roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
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[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids