Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

Why did the Christmas cake disappear?

It was stollen.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

scared to check what name she chose

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right