Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

#oldknees

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….