Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman