roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
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Should I call tech support or pray or what
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
i spent way too long on this
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*