ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
Favourite diary entry ever
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Ummm
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Meat Cute
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
My fantasy football season is going great
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
