Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
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“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Florida be like…
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Researcher: We’d like you to be part of a focus group.
Me [squinting terribly]: Who said that?
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*