Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
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[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
YouTube will put 50 mins of ads on a 10 min video to get me to pay but I shan’t be defeated
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming