Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
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Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Don’t we all.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*