Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

wut hotdog?

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?