Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

ㅤ A R G H
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of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame