Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
good work, everybody
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs